musings

For all the new beginnings I should’ve fully supported…

I’ve definitely had to check myself regarding my stance on kids, specifically people having kids before either getting a head start on their career or graduating college. I didn’t realize how toxic my views were. I’ll star off by saying that I love(most) kids and think they’re blessings that deserve the best life possible. However, every time someone around my age announced that they were having a child, I was either kinda “meh” about it, completely shocked, or had some negative thoughts in my head.

It’s weird because I know a lot of people with kids who work their ass off to get shit done, and I’ve always applauded them and tipped my hat off to them. Even my mom had her first child before she finished college, but I’ve heard how hard it was for her to do so and imagine it probably would have been easier without. I’ve also seen some people who are clearly not ready to be parents struggle immensely, while some others have exceeded all expectations.

So, there was mostly some genuine worry and concern, but there was also some selfish reasoning behind it. I was both scared/worried of how hard an unplanned pregnancy would be for them(especially after listening to/knowing the future plans you had for your life and some we’ve had for each other) and somewhat jealous that our relationship would change dramatically.

This, by extension, applies to some romantic relationships, too. With some of my close friends, it’s been hard to realize how unfair it is for me to monopolize a lot of their time when they have a WHOLE significant other. As if I owned/had the right to someone. I’ve never intentionally gotten in the way of loved ones relationships, but I did sometimes wish they were single so they could be “fun” again. I also questioned the stability of some of the relationships and the new dynamics something like a pregnancy or engagement would bring. In times of turmoil, my go-advice was and kinda still is, “break up with them”. I kinda contribute this to the fact that I love HARD and want my friends to be the best version of themselves. Add quality time being my top love language and it becomes a lot.

Basically, I was just making assumptions. I was speaking death over situations when I should have been speaking life and prosperity. I’ve realized a lot of it was actually just me projecting and imagining how I would feel if was in that situation. I’m 24, a college grad, have a respectable savings that’s mostly spoken for, currently without my own space, struggling with ridiculous wanderlust and struggling with dipping into that savings to satisfy it, plans for grad school, fighting with commitment and a strong desire to be selfish in my 20’s. I may not be in the best position to be catapulted into fatherhood, but I know I’d definitely step up to the plate. There’d be a lot of adjusting in my life plan/goals and a reorganization of priorities, and I’d have to deal with some uncertainties.

The funny thing is is that life is just that. Unknown. It’s simple and it’s joyous and it’s chaotic and it’s tedious and it’s spontaneous. No matter how hard we try, nothing ever really goes exactly as planned, and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.

I’ve had a 180 degree epiphany. I need to be completely happy that my friends are completely happy, whatever their life plan, and support them, without judgment, exactly where they are. I’ve even experienced a slight bit of baby fever myself.

There’s so many young parents and young married couples out here killing it. I’m in awe. Plus, it is kinda cool that you’ll be able to be to be fully-functioning and alert when your kids are teens/grown. My parents are amazing and did had me later in life after they established their careers, but I did sometimes wonder what it would be like to have been born earlier on in their lives. However, I’ve never gone without and can’t even begin imagine how different life would be being raised, for example, by a single parent or a parent struggling to live paycheck to paycheck. I imagine your future lives will be like an episode of Gilmore Girls, and I love that show. People are gonna confuse you for siblings and you’ll make viral dance videos together that will be featured on Buzzfeed. Y’all gonna be lit. It’ll be alright.

So, to all my friends and fam that I’ve kinda had a “delayed congratulations” or unknowingly made a face upon news of someone of them or someone else around my age becoming a paren, getting engaged/married, etc., I apologize. If I’ve negatively impacted your relationship with your significant other, I’m sorry. I was being super dumb, insecure, and selfish, even if my concern was rooted in love. You deserve nothing but support. I don’t want to see you struggle, but who says it will be a struggle? I put you in a small box. Life will figure itself out. You got this. If ever you find yourself doubtful, let me know and I’ll try my to ease those doubts. I got you. I’m just not sure about the whole babysitting or third-wheeling thing. lol

Author: Kobi Elliot

Kobi. 25. College grad. Philly native. Ghanian-American. Creative

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